By Emmanuel Olawale

The end of a long-term relationship feels like a death. And like any death, it brings grief, no matter who pulled the plug. Just as you wouldn’t tell a grieving widow or widower to “just get over it,” and focus on the children, you shouldn’t say that to someone going through a divorce. The pain is real, and it deserves compassion, not dismissal.

What I’ve observed is that many people simply don’t know how to handle conversations about divorce. It makes them uncomfortable—especially men.

Women often rally around their girlfriends after a breakup, whether out of support, curiosity, or even a bit of schadenfreude. But men? Especially married men? They tend to pull away from their divorcing friends. I don’t fully understand the psychology behind it, but the result is clear: divorced men often receive little to no emotional support.

If someone in your circle is going through a divorce—be it a friend, colleague, or family member—here are a few do’s and don’ts to keep in mind:

1. Don’t force reconciliation unless one of the parties asks for your help. Your role is to listen, not to mediate.
2. Don’t take sides if you’re friends with both people. You didn’t choose sides when you were celebrating their union and good times; don’t start now.
3. Don’t get recruited into resentment. If neither partner wronged you personally, stay neutral. They didn’t recruit you to love their spouse when they were enjoying the good times. Don’t become a disciple of hate against a person who has not offended you.
4. Don’t ask intrusive questions about property, custody, or “who got what.” That’s private.
5. Don’t gossip. Resist the urge to share inside stories or negative comments with either party.
6. Don’t wait until a public encounter to ask about their divorce.
   Be intentional and reach out privately.
7. Don’t judge. You don’t know what really happened behind closed doors.
8. Don’t silence their pain. If someone chooses to process their grief publicly, let them. It’s healthier than dying silently inside.
9. Don’t spread rumors. If you’re close to the couple, protect their dignity.
10. Don’t be fooled by narratives. The spouse who initiated the divorce will often justify their decision by painting the other as a villain or abuser. It is a common defense mechanism.
11. Don’t feign ignorance. If you knew what was happening, be honest. Don’t pretend you didn’t.

Divorce is already isolating. Don’t add to the isolation.

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